


To Turn It All Around (Or To Throw It All Away)

by soft_satan



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Blood, Chris won't remember any of it it's fine, Family, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Grief/Mourning, Gun Violence, Hurt Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance, Sad, Sad Christopher Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Second Chances, Team as Family, Temporary Character Death, Whump, Worried Firefam, firefam - Freeform, spoilers in the tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-03
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:21:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27358675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soft_satan/pseuds/soft_satan
Summary: Buck is in love with Eddie. With the encouragement and support of his friends, he decides he's going to take a leap of faith and tell him tomorrow.But tomorrow is promised to no one.It's not a fire or a daring rescue, they're not even on a call when Buck's world comes crashing down. But given the chance, Buck will realize just how far he'll go to change everything.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Athena Grant, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Henrietta "Hen" Wilson, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Howie "Chimney" Han, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 102
Kudos: 456





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Well hello there! Welcome! My name is soft satan and I am here to crush your heart, then put it back together :D
> 
> This fic is complete and I'll be updating every other day. So grab some tissues and enjoy!
> 
> title is from "Live Like We're Dying" by Kris Allen because autumnchills
> 
> speaking of, shout out to her for helping me with the summary 💚

Buck woke slowly, stretching his long limbs out over the arms of the couch. Reaching over to the end table, he grabbed his phone and lit up the screen. Less than a minute to go until his alarm was set to go off. Grinning to himself, he turned it off and sat up, stretching out the crick in his neck. Truth be told, he hated sleeping on Eddie’s couch, but a stiff neck and cramped legs was a price he was more than willing to pay to spend every precious minute he could with the Diaz boys.

In the kitchen the automatic coffee maker switched on, sputtering and puffing as it began to brew. The bird that had made her nest in the tree outside the window was greeting the sun with a cheerful song. There was something so comforting about the atmosphere of the Diaz household, a warmth that surrounded him and filled his heart. Whatever it was, Buck wished he could bottle it so he'd have it on nights when he was alone in his loft.

“Morning.”

Buck looked up to find Eddie standing in the doorway, eyes half open and a sleepy smile on his face. His sweatpants hung low enough on his hips that a bit of skin was visible beneath the hem of his wrinkled t-shirt. The only word that Buck could think of to describe him was “soft.” A plush blanket on a cold night, a delicate afternoon sunbeam shining through the window. Being allowed to see Eddie so soft and vulnerable was an honor Buck would never take for granted.

Maybe it wasn’t the house. Maybe it was Eddie that felt like home.

“Good morning,” Buck smiled, standing up with a stretch. “I’m going to get started on breakfast while you and Chris do his stretches. You want eggs or pancakes?”

“I… don’t know,” Eddie said, scratching the back of his head. “I still need to pack his lunch and check his homework.”

“Oh I did that last night,” Buck said casually, waving him off when Eddie’s brows shot up in surprise. “I was bored while you were putting him to bed, so I made myself useful.”

Eddie stared at him for a moment, eyes shining with an emotion Buck couldn’t name. “Marry me.”

Those two simple words, though clearly said in jest, sent Buck’s heart into hyper speed. Eddie had no idea that Buck would drive them to the courthouse at that very moment if Eddie were serious. But that was just a daydream, so Buck pasted on what he hoped was a convincingly cocky grin and tried to calm his heart back to a normal pace. “You’re way too young to settle, Eddie. Don’t give up so easily.”

Eddie’s sleepy smile dropped from his face in an instant. For a moment he considered Buck with an alarming amount of intensity for having been half asleep just a few seconds prior. “Buck…”

“Good morning!” Christopher cheered, wrapping his arms around Eddie’s waist and burying his face in his side.

Eddie smiled down at his son, ruffling his messy curls. “Good morning, buddy.”

Grateful that the awkward moment had passed, Buck turned his attention to the little boy. “I’ll let you decide what’s for breakfast, Chris. Pancakes and fruit, or omelettes and hashbrowns?”

Chris scrunched his face up adorably as he considered his options, then gave Buck a blinding smile. “Omelettes, please! Can I have salsa on mine?”

“You got it!” Buck reached down to dance his fingertips over Christopher’s ribs as he walked by, making him burst into a fit of giggles. “It’ll be ready by the time you’re done with your stretches.”

He avoided meeting Eddie’s gaze as he moved into the kitchen. Buck knew he would see the same blend of concern and distress he always saw when he made a self-depricating joke. Moving about the room with a confidence granted by familiarity, he navigated the kitchen on autopilot, pulling out the skillet and moving to the fridge to fetch the ingredients. He was just about to reach for the eggs when arms slipped under his and encircled his waist, pulling him back flush against a warm, solid chest. Eddie rested his chin on Buck’s shoulder, leaning their heads against one another. Buck’s heart sped up to the pace of a hummingbird as heat emanated from every point of contact, spreading throughout his body.

“I wouldn’t be settling,” Eddie whispered. He gently touched his lips to Buck’s cheek, squeezed his midsection, then slipped away as if nothing had happened.

For a moment Buck stood right where Eddie left him, the fridge still wide open but doing nothing to cool the desire that had lit Buck’s entire body on fire. His heart was pounding, mind churning through Eddie’s words and trying to find the meaning he hoped was buried deep within them.

…

Throughout breakfast, his shower, and the ride to Christopher’s school, Buck couldn’t stop thinking about the moment he’d shared with Eddie in the kitchen. The other man’s words echoed in Buck’s mind, and his body was still buzzing where Eddie had held him. Tapping his fingertips on his knee, Buck stared out of the window as Eddie drove. Maybe he wasn’t just hoping without reason. Maybe there really had been meaning in Eddie’s words beyond what was on the surface.

“Are you okay?”

Buck startled when Eddie spoke. Silence had settled over them after they dropped Chris off at school, and Eddie's concerned voice had shattered it like a plate glass window. He plastered on a smile that he knew didn't reach his eyes, hoping that Eddie was too focused on the road to notice.

“I’m great!”

“Really?” Eddie questioned, one brow raising as he glanced over at him again. “Because you’ve been pretty quiet all morning.”

“Just a lot on my mind.”

“Anything you want to talk about?”

He could just go for it. Throw caution to the wind and hope that their friendship was strong enough to survive unrequited feelings. He was tired of hiding it, tired of worrying that Eddie was going to meet someone else, tired of not having Eddie’s arms around him the way they had been that morning. Buck absentmindedly ran his fingers over the spot where Eddie had pressed his hands into Buck’s chest. His heart pounded against his palm. It was the perfect moment.

“Nah, I’m okay.” Buck waved his hand dismissively, because he was a coward. “Any plans for this weekend?”

Eddie glanced over at him pensively, but as always, he seemed to pick up on Buck’s need for a change of topic. “Yeah, Abuela needs some yard work done.”

As Eddie talked to him about his plans with Christopher and his Abuela the next day, Buck took the opportunity to observe him without fear of awkwardness. Gone were the lines of worry that Buck felt some responsibility for causing, replaced by a fond smile and a crinkle in the corners of Eddie’s eyes. With one hand on the wheel, he described the dish Abuela had promised in exchange for a mowed lawn, gesticulating with the other hand. Buck’s chest was almost numb from how much his heart had been pounding that morning, but it was something he’d gotten used to the more time he spent around his best friend. But as Eddie glanced over at him with a glint in his eye and a soft curve to his lips, telling Buck he should come along, his heart thumped a little harder than it had before. Maybe it was time Buck opened his chest up and relieved the pressure. Maybe it was time he gave to Eddie the heart that was causing so much damage to the inside of his ribcage.

“You don’t think Isobel would mind?” he asked hesitantly.

“Are you kidding me?” Eddie scoffed, brows higher than normal as he watched the road. “Sometimes I think Abuela loves you more than me.”

Buck smiled, trying to ignore the fact that there were two possible meanings to that sentence. “Then I’d love to.”

“Great! When we get off work in the morning we’ll go home, catch a few hours of sleep, then pick up Chris from school and head over.”

Buck knew that Eddie most likely meant their respective homes, but with his jeep at Eddie's house, Buck could just claim he's too tired to drive. It was an excuse he used often. “Sounds good.”

Once their plans were set they lapsed into a more comfortable silence than before, which unfortunately allowed Buck’s mind to wander back through the events of that morning a few more times. Before he knew it they were pulling into the station. With a quick survey of the parking lot as they got out, Buck knew the rest of the team was there already. They walked through the open bay doors with their bags on their shoulders, side by side like they did most mornings. Chim was in the back of one of the ambulances, a clipboard in hand and an intensely focused look on his face until he noticed them. He waved a quick greeting, then refocused on his task. Hen and a few others were rolling out and checking the hoses, and she called out a hello as they passed by on their way to the locker room.

“Hurry up and change, boys! Breakfast is almost ready!” Bobby called from the loft, the sizzle of bacon echoing through the vaulted ceiling.

“Buck already took care of me, Cap,” Eddie called back, shooting Buck a grin that sent a flash of heat straight to the blond’s face. “Thanks for teaching him how to make an omelette, by the way.”

Bobby looked amused as he looked over the railing. “You’re welcome.”

Eddie nudged his shoulder against Buck’s with a wink and headed for the locker room. Buck stayed rooted to the spot, watching Eddie walk away.

He heard his name and looked up to find Bobby still at the railing, watching him with obvious amusement. The older man raised his eyebrows pointedly and tilted his head to indicate the direction of the locker room. “Don’t waste time.”

Buck wasn’t stupid or as oblivious as some assumed him to be. Even from so far away, he could see it in Bobby’s eyes that he wasn’t just talking about getting changed into his uniform. Bobby could read his entire team like an open book. If he saw something there, maybe it wasn’t as one sided as Buck thought.

He smiled up at his Captain. “Understood.”

…

Over the months since he’d realized his feelings for his best friend, Buck had gotten very good at keeping himself focused on the job. He didn’t allow himself to stare at Eddie, no matter how beautiful he was with sweat glistening on his sunkissed face as he worked out, or how good his arms looked with the sleeves of his uniform rolled up. Buck was a professional, he could control himself. That day, however, something was different. Something had changed the moment Eddie slipped his arms around him and held him to his chest. If he wasn’t watching Eddie go about his chores around the station, Buck was thinking about him and weighing his options. He did his best to focus, but he knew it was a losing battle.

Unfortunately, his struggle didn’t go unnoticed. They were on their way to a kitchen fire around noon when Hen bumped her shoulder into his to get his attention. He looked away from the window to find her watching him with a suspicious look. She took off her headset and motioned for him to do the same.

“You okay, Buckaroo?” she asked, leaning closer so they could hear each other. “You’ve been awfully quiet this morning.”

“I’m fine. I’m just…” Buck shot a quick glance to the other side of the cab, where Eddie was laughing at something Chim had said. The sound always filled his chest with a joyous buzz. “...thinking.”

There was something about Hen’s smirk that made him nervous, but when she nodded her head and patted his knee, he relaxed. “I got you. You know you can talk to me about anything, right? No judgement.”

“I know,” he nodded, grateful to have a friend like her. “I might take you up on that later.”

“I don’t know the whole situation, but if it’s what I think it is, let me impart some wisdom on you, Buck.” She tapped her finger on his chest. “Follow that big heart of yours. It’ll take you where you need to be.”

He smiled, a calmness settling over him for the first time since that morning. “Thanks, Hen.”

…

Buck felt like he was boiling inside his turnout coat. He jammed the jaws of life into the side of a crushed car door, slowly but steadily freeing an unconscious woman from the driver’s seat of a Prius as Hen monitored her vitals. The mid afternoon sun was blinding and brutally hot, but Buck kept his focus on Hen and the woman they were trying to save. The door finally popped open with a loud creak of metal being bent. As soon as Buck wrenched the door open the rest of the way he stepped back and a few other medics swooped in with a backboard, ready to assist Hen in carefully extracting the woman.

A panicked and desperate cry for help pulled his attention to the other side of the scene, where a man was standing next to the passenger door of a mangled sedan. Several people were rushing to the car, Eddie leading the group as he pushed past the man to get to the passenger. Buck was only able to watch for a moment before Bobby gave him a new task and he moved on.

He was busy helping with triage when the shouting started and his attention snapped back over to the other side of the scene. Buck could clearly see the anger on the man’s face despite the distance between them, and he seemed to be directing it at Eddie. It was impossible to discern exactly what the man was saying between his sobs, but based on Eddie’s expression and the fact that the man was being held back by another firefighter, it wasn’t good. Eddie said something to him then, too quiet for Buck to hear. That seemed to intensify the man’s fury, and he started struggling against the arms holding him back. Eddie said something else then turned and walked away, eyes downcast and shoulders sagging as the man continued shouting. Buck knew from just Eddie’s body language what had happened, and the man’s rage only confirmed it.

They were packing up the truck when Buck finally got the chance to talk to Eddie. Buck watched him slam shut the compartment on the side of the ladder truck, shoulders tense and stiff, mouth set in a firm line. He knew from experience that Eddie wouldn’t want to talk about it so soon, but that would never stop Buck from offering him a shoulder to lean on.

“Hey,” Buck called, offering a sympathetic smile when Eddie noticed him. “I’m here if you need to talk.”

In that instant Eddie went from looking like he could dent the firetruck with one punch, to looking like he may shatter at a moment’s notice. “Thanks.”

They finished packing up the truck in silence, but Buck kept an eye on Eddie. By the time they finished Eddie looked less angry at the world, but his shoulders still slouched with the weight of guilt. When it was time to head back, Buck took the seat right beside Eddie. Once they were strapped in, Eddie leaned heavily against Buck’s side with a loaded sigh, tilting his head back against the seat and closing his eyes. Buck was thankful that he was able to supply him even a small amount of comfort. Careful not to push Eddie away, Buck extracted his arm from between them and draped it around Eddie’s shoulders, pulling him as close as their seatbelts would allow, uncaring of how many pairs of eyes were currently on them. With the way Eddie practically melted into his side, Buck had to assume that he didn’t care what the others thought either. Neither one of them said a word on the way to the station, but Buck held on tight to Eddie for the entire drive.

They were the last two out of the truck when they got there. They shucked off their turnout gear side by side, Eddie’s eyes fixed on the floor and Buck’s on Eddie. Without a word Eddie headed for the showers. Buck watched him go, wishing there was something he could do to help him.

“He made the right call,” said Chimney.

Buck shrugged. “I don’t even know what happened.”

“Eddie checked on the victim when we first got there and marked her as stable. There were a few others who were obviously critical, so we prioritized them,” Chim explained. He stuck his hands in his pockets to try and seem casual, but he looked like he felt as guilty as Eddie did. “Apparently she was bleeding internally and he missed it. She crashed and we couldn’t get her back.”

Buck let out a deep breath, running a hand over his face. “And he blames himself.”

“Yep. So did the woman’s husband. But like I said, he made the right call with the information he had. I tried to tell him that, but he wouldn’t listen.”

“Let’s give him some space to process and I’ll talk to him in a little while.”

The older man turned to Buck and crossed his arms over his chest. “What about you? You’ve been awfully quiet today. You okay?”

Buck’s brows shot up. Despite the years he’d known them, he was always surprised when his friends noticed that something was wrong. It made him feel seen and loved. “Yeah, Chim. I’m okay. Just have a lot on my mind.”

Chimney studied him for a moment, smacking his gum. He looked around the station, and once satisfied that no one was close enough to hear him, he leaned in and whispered to Buck. “Is this about your thing for Eddie? You’ve been staring at him more than usual today.”

Buck’s eyes widened, mortified at being caught staring. “How did you…?”

Chim sighed, shaking his head fondly. “Look, man. Even if your sister hadn’t told me you had a crush on him, I would have figured it out by now. You’re not exactly subtle with your emotions, Buckaroo.” He scoffed, an amused smirk curling his lip. “Apparently Eddie is more dense than I originally thought.”

Dropping his bright red face into his hands, Buck groaned. “I have got to teach Maddie exactly what “don’t tell anyone” means.”

“Hey, don’t worry about it. I haven’t told anyone,” Chim soothed, patting Buck’s shoulder. “I mean, aside from Hen--”

“Damn it to hell!” Buck all but shouted, looking at his friend in disbelief. “Seriously, you guys need to learn how secrets work!”

“Look, Buck, I promise none of us have told Eddie. But I really think you should.” Taking Buck by the shoulders, Chimney looked up into his eyes with sincerity as he whispered. “I’m pretty sure he likes you, too.”

Hope blossomed inside Buck’s chest, its petals delicate and fragile. “You think?”

“There’s only one way to find out,” Chimney grinned. “So what are you gonna do?”

Eddie stepping out of the locker room caught Buck’s attention immediately. He looked slightly more relaxed as he moved toward the stairs, probably heading for the game console to blow off some steam. If Buck hurried he could challenge him to a fighting game, maybe find a way to make him laugh and ease some of his tension.

“Right now, I’m going to go be his friend,” Buck said, shooting Chim a wink as he headed for the stairs. “But who knows what tomorrow holds?”

…

The sun had started its descent, painting the sky orange and pink. With the bay doors open, awaiting the return of one of their ambulances from a medical call, the gentle glow of twilight met the harsh fluorescent lights of the station. Eddie and a few others were just finishing up washing the ladder truck, and Buck was unapologetically taking advantage of the other man’s distraction to simply watch him. Buck was captivated by the way Eddie moved, even doing something as mundane as polishing the truck’s chrome grill.

“Better wipe away that drool, Buckaroo.”

Startled, Buck scrambled to wipe his hand across his face as Athena chuckled. Finding his chin dry, he rolled his eyes and resumed his position leaning against the wall. “I’m not drooling. I’m just…”

“Pining?” she suggested, crossing her arms over her chest and raising one of her brows in amusement.

Buck gave her a sidelong glance. “...maybe.”

She was quiet for a moment, her intense eyes locked onto his. Buck was amazed at how vulnerable and exposed Athena could make him feel with just one look.

“If there’s one thing I’ve learned in this life, it’s that tomorrow isn’t guaranteed.” The smile fell away from her face. “I learned that the hard way. Don’t wait too long.”

With that, she patted his arm and walked away. He watched her ascend the stairs, tapping his fingers against his arm. She was right. Of course she was right, she was Athena fucking Grant. Despite Chimney’s assurance that Eddie felt something too, Buck was still debating with himself over whether or not he should say anything. But Athena’s words gave him the push he needed to make his decision.

He was going to tell Eddie he loved him.

A deafening pop echoed through the rafters, immediately followed by screams of terror and shouts to get down. Buck’s entire body jerked at the sound, leaving him trembling throughout his body as he scanned the area, trying to figure out where it had come from. He saw a hooded figure take off through bay doors, followed by a flash of navy blue as Athena took off after them. Buck’s heart was pounding in his chest, his face going numb as adrenaline pumped through his system.

And then he saw Eddie, a look of shock on his face and a hand held to his chest as stark red seeped out from between his fingers.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS
> 
> PLEASE READ (unless you don't wanna be spoiled just a bit)
> 
> hey so there is a lot of talk about blood in this chapter. i mean a LOT. oh my god there's so much blood. blood everywhere. but i don't get graphic with descriptions of wounds or violence, i just really like blood and i love covering characters in the blood of the people they love 😈 so... yeah. there's your warning.
> 
> there's also mentions of death, grief, and a very very vague suggestion that a character pukes.
> 
> read at your own risk.
> 
> this chapter went through so many revisions oh my god i hope y'all like it

When Eddie collapsed to the floor, Buck’s entire body went numb as ice cold panic washed over him. Eddie’s name erupted from his throat with a horrified scream as he sprinted across the engine bay. The pain of his knees hitting concrete didn't even register when he landed beside Eddie. The front of his uniform was almost completely soaked through with blood already, but it was the gaping hole in Eddie’s chest that pulled a strangled noise from Buck. He put his hands over the wound and pressed down as hard as he could, choking on a sob as Eddie stared up at him, eyes wide.

“B-Buck…” Eddie gasped, his hand groping blindly until it landed on Buck’s arm and gripped as if he was trying to keep himself tethered to this world by holding onto Buck.

“Hold on, Eddie. You’re gonna be fine,” Buck all but whimpered, hot tears streaming down his face. He pointedly ignored the way Eddie shook his head slightly in disagreement.

Blood was already pooling underneath Eddie, soaking the knees of Buck’s pants. There was too much blood. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Buck knew that meant there was an exit wound. In the edges of his vision Buck barely noticed the presence of Chimney and Hen, but he couldn’t look away from Eddie’s pleading stare.

“Buck!” Chim barked, finally pulling Buck’s attention to him. He looked way too calm, his jaw set and eyes serious. “Move your hands!”

Buck pulled away so fast it was as if he'd been burned. Grabbing Eddie's hand in both of his, he was shocked by how quickly Eddie's grip had weakened. The two medics were working as fast as they could, cutting Eddie’s shirt away and placing leads and monitors, shouting things that Buck should know but couldn’t comprehend. Buck paid them no attention as he held Eddie’s tear filled gaze.

“I’m right here, Eddie. Just stay with me,” Buck pleaded, his voice weak and shaky.

“God damn it, I think the bullet hit an artery,” Chim hissed. “He’s bleeding out.”

Buck looked up at that, tears blurring his vision. “Can’t you stop it?!”

“I’m trying to, Buck!” Chimney snapped as he continued to work. “We need to get him transported _now_!”

Eddie made an alarmingly wet sound in his throat as he started coughing, struggling to take a breath in between. Blood coated his teeth and lips, spilling out of his mouth and sliding down the side of his face.

“We need suction!” Chim shouted. “Clear his airway!”

Eddie continued to sputter and choke even as Hen suctioned the blood from his mouth. He was struggling to take in a breath, and his grip on Buck's hand suddenly went completely limp. When his eyes rolled back into his head, ice cold terror washed over Buck.

Buck clung to his hand even tighter, desperately trying to keep Eddie there with him. “No no no! Eddie! Eddie!”

“BP is dropping!” Hen announced, already placing the defibrilator shock pads. “We’re losing him!”

The voices around him fell away when the frantic rhythm of the heart monitor fell into a single suspended note, high pitched and sharp enough to pierce straight through Buck’s heart.

“Paddles!”

“Charging!”

Suddenly arms were around him, pulling him far enough away that he lost his grip on Eddie’s hand. Panic surged in Buck’s chest and he cried out in protest, frantically fighting against the hold. “No, please! Let me go! Let me go!”

“They have to shock him, Buck," Bobby’s gentle voice reasoned. "You can’t be touching him when they shock him.”

Buck didn't have enough strength to keep fighting. He slumped back against Bobby's chest, letting the Captain hold him up. He watched helplessly as Eddie’s body jerked with a shock. Tears were dripping from Buck’s chin, his shoulders shaking with the struggle to breathe through his sobs. “Come on, Eddie…”

With another shock Eddie jerked again, but the monitor continued to produce the single, heart shattering note.

“Please…”

Again, and again, and again they shocked him, Buck’s tears flowing more and more heavily with every second Eddie spent without a heartbeat. There was so much blood. Eddie’s shirt was soaked. Crimson pooled around his body. It was on Buck’s hands, on Eddie’s, on Chim’s and Hen’s. It was as if every other color in the world had faded to gray; all he saw was red. So it really shouldn’t have been such a shock to hear Chim say it, the two words whispered with a trembling voice.

“He’s gone.”

Buck’s chest suddenly felt like it was caving in, and an unholy scream of raw, horrified anguish erupted from his throat. When Bobby finally let him go he clumsily crawled the short distance back to Eddie. Grabbing him by the shoulders he shook him desperately, sobbing so hard and loud he could barely breathe. “Eddie! Eddie, come back! Please!” Buck begged. Grabbing the hand he’d been clinging to just a moment before, Buck lifted it to his face, pressing the bloodied palm against his cheek. “Please… please…”

“Buck…” Bobby said softly, gently placing his hands on Buck’s shoulders. “Buck, he’s gone.”

“No…” Buck whimpered, falling back against Bobby’s chest like a puppet whose strings had been cut. The older man instantly wrapped his arms around Buck, holding him tight as he sobbed into Bobby's shoulder.

…

At some point Buck had stopped sobbing, but tears were still rolling down his face steadily. The shape of Eddie’s hand was branded on his cheek in bright red, a horrifying contrast to his unusually pale skin. He sat leaning against Bobby on the bumper of the ambulance, staring helplessly at Eddie’s still form. It was as far from Eddie as Buck had been willing to go once the police had arrived, ordering them away from the body to preserve any evidence. All over the station there were uniformed officers talking to the other firefighters and medics. People in jackets with “C.S.I.” printed on the back were scattered around the bay. Some were taking photos, some were searching for the bullet that had torn a hole through Eddie’s chest and Buck’s heart. Even Bobby was doing something productive, on the phone or talking to detectives, but he kept his arm firmly wrapped around Buck’s shoulders, keeping him held to his side.

"Buck?"

It was all white noise to Buck. His only focus was on Eddie and the two people in dark jumpsuits getting ready to put him into a black body bag.

“Buck.”

When his eyes finally snapped away from Eddie, Buck found Hen standing in front of him.

“There you are,” she said softly, a small, sad smile curling her lip. “Why don’t we go to the locker room and get you cleaned up? Chim and I already did. It's your turn.”

He glanced down at his hands, unsurprised to see them still coated in dark crimson. The sleeves of his shirt were marred with dark splotches up to his elbows, and the knees of his pants were still damp. Eddie’s blood was everywhere but where it was supposed to be. He was used to being covered in blood, it was part of the job. Whether it was his own or someone else’s, it never really bothered him before. But the fact that it was Eddie’s was what made his stomach churn. Hen barely jumped back in time to avoid catching it on her clean clothes. Bobby was the only reason Buck hadn’t fallen to the floor with the force of it, and the older man kept his arms firmly around him as Buck struggled to catch his breath afterward.

“I’m sorry,” Buck whispered, arms curled around his stomach and tears burning his eyes.

“It’s okay. You’re okay,” Bobby soothed, rubbing a hand up and down Buck’s back as he settled against the Captain’s side once again. “Slow, deep breaths.”

“It’s alright, Buckaroo. It’s normal,” said Hen. “Why don’t we go get you changed now? I think a shower might help.”

Buck nodded slowly, glancing back over to the men who now had Eddie’s body in the bag and on a stretcher. He struggled to swallow down the bile that rose again as they lifted the stretcher up onto its wheels and started to roll it away. It felt like the most precious thing he had was being stolen. Eddie was _his_. His friend, his family, his _future_ , and they were taking him away. He would never see Eddie again.

“Do you need me to help you?” Bobby offered softly.

Shaking his head, Buck looked away from the black bag, but he still couldn’t meet their eyes. “No.”

He stood on shaking legs, Bobby’s arm staying around him until he was steady. Buck winced as he stepped around the mess he’d made. “I’ll clean that up.”

Hen let out a breathy laugh, rubbing his back as she led him toward the locker room. “Don’t worry about it. We’ll make Chim do it.”

He knew she was trying to make him smile, but he just felt numb. He followed her to the locker room in silence, letting her guide him over to a bench where he sat down heavily.

“Stay put,” she said, then slipped out of the room.

He didn’t know where she’d gone, his gaze still stuck on the floor, but he didn’t really care. Before he knew it she was sitting down beside him on the bench, turning him to face her with a gentle hand on his chin. She paused when he finally looked at her, studying his face for a moment before she spoke.

“I’m going to get this off your face to make sure you get it all, then you can get a shower to get the rest,” she said, bringing a warm wet washcloth to his face.

Hen kept her fingers on his chin, tilting his head to the side as she gently ran the rag over his cheek. He stared over her shoulder at a spot on the wall, barely paying attention to what was being done to him. He felt hollow, like his insides had been scooped out of him and he was left just a broken shell of who he used to be.

“It happened so fast.”

His whispered words gave her pause. He could see her staring at him from the corner of his eye, but he couldn’t take looking at her directly again just yet.

“We did everything we could,” Hen told him, a tremble of emotion in her voice. Finally he met her eyes again, finding them full of unshed tears.

“I know you did.”

She abruptly got up from the bench to break the tense moment, swiping the back of her hand under her glasses. “I’m going to get you some clothes from your locker and you can go shower, ok?"

“Hey, Hen?” When she turned back to look at him, he gave her a ghost of a smile. “Thanks for taking care of me.”

“We’re family, Buck. You don’t have to thank me. We take care of each other.” She gave him a soft look. "You’re not alone in this."

Tears gathered in his eyes again. “I know.”

“Do you need help in the shower?” she asked, giving him a worried look over her shoulder as she moved to his locker. “I can help you, or I can get Chim or Bobby.”

“No,” he shook his head, looking down at his hands. The blood had long since dried. His fingers were sticking together, his skin felt stiff, and he knew it was going to take a while to get it out from under his fingernails. He tore his eyes away when he felt his stomach start to lurch again.

“Okay. I've got your tennis shoes here," she explained, setting the sneakers under the bench. "I’m going to set these in there, grab you a clean towel, and you’re good to go,” she told him, disappearing into the showers for a moment. When she came back out she laid a hand on his shoulder, leaning over to catch his eye. “I can stay out here if you want.”

“I want to be alone,” he whispered, emotion starting to choke him. He could feel another fit of sobs bubbling up.

“Okay,” she nodded. “When you’re done, one of us can take you home.”

“I don’t have a home anymore.” He stood and went into the showers before she could question him. He didn’t feel like trying to explain that his apartment was just that, an apartment. Eddie was his home.

…

By the time Buck stepped out of the shower stall, his eyes were puffy and rimmed with red. Alone with his thoughts, he had spiraled into another fit of agonizing sobs as he watched Eddie’s blood flow down the drain. He slowly pulled on the sweats Hen had laid out for him, his breath hitching every now and then with the remnants of a sob. When he finally padded out into the locker room with bare feet, he was surprised to see Maddie sitting on one of the benches.

“Maddie?”

“Oh, Buck…” She shot up and over to him, pulling him into her arms. “Chimney called me. I got here as fast as I could.”

He curled his arms around her small frame, leaning over a bit to rest his head on her shoulder. The warmth of his big sister’s embrace never failed to soothe him, easing the ache in his chest ever so slightly. “Thanks for coming.”

She held him until he pulled away, giving him however much comfort he wanted to take. “Let’s get you home.”

“Buck?”

Athena stood in the doorway, looking exhausted. The shards of Buck’s shattered heart twitched and twisted over the serious look on her face. She didn't have good news.

"Bobby called the Chief. Everyone at the 118 is on personal leave until further notice."

Buck nodded in understanding. "Did you get him?"

Athena huffed out a sigh. “I couldn’t catch up to him. But we’ve got every unit in the city looking. Security cameras were able to capture a glimpse of his face, but it was just a side profile. Forensic artists are working on a sketch.”

Rage flared in his veins, but not at the woman in front of him, so he swallowed it down. “You’ll get him. I know you will.”

“Detective Lipton agreed to let me handle telling Eddie’s family.” Athena spoke with a tenderness she usually reserved for her children. It made Buck want to cry again. “Do you want to be there when I tell them? I know you’re close with them, especially Christopher.”

Christopher.

The name was like a punch to the gut, knocking the wind from his lungs in a rush. Fresh tears welled up in his eyes as his legs began to shake, dread twisting his stomach violently. He hit the bench hard when his legs finally gave out from under him. “I forgot about Chris. How could I forget about Chris?”

“It's okay, Buck…” Maddie soothed, stroking his wet curls off his forehead.

“Buckaroo, you were in shock,” Athena reasoned, crouching down in front of him. She laid a hand on his knee, tilting her head to catch his gaze. “You’re still processing. It’s okay, baby. It doesn’t mean you don’t care about him.”

“I should be the one to tell him,” Buck whispered, tears breaking free to slide down his face. “I need to be there for him. I need to take care of him.”

“Would you like me to come with you? Help you explain?” Athena offered.

He shook his head slowly. He should be the one to tell Isabel and Pepa. They deserved to hear the news from someone who loved them. “I need to go.”

“Okay, Buckaroo,” Athena said, standing up. “Maddie, are you driving him?”

Maddie nodded, patting Buck’s shoulder. “Yeah, I don't think he should drive like this.”

Buck reached under the bench to grab his shoes and slipped them on without socks before following Maddie and Athena out of the locker room. The first thing he noticed was the puddle of blood still there on the concrete floor, starting to dry around the edges but still slick and shining under the lights of the station.

“Buck?”

Chimney’s concerned voice brought him out of his trance. Somehow he hadn’t noticed the man standing right in front of him.

“Is there anything I can do?” Chim asked, looking between the two Buckleys.

Instead of answering him, Buck just grabbed Chim by the shoulder and pulled him into a crushing hug. Chimney went stiff for just a beat before relaxing into it, squeezing Buck surprisingly hard.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t save him,” Chimney whispered, just loud enough for Buck to hear.

Buck clung to him a little tighter.

…

“Are you sure you don’t want me to come in with you?”

The car had been silent since they left the station. They’d been sitting in the driveway of Eddie’s house for at least ten minutes, Buck staring blankly at the front porch and Maddie watching her brother with a concerned look.

“How do I do this?” Buck's voice was fried from the evening, coming out barely above a whisper. “What do I tell him?”

"That he isn't alone,” Maddie said firmly, reaching across the console to take Buck’s hand. He squeezed back, grateful for any ounce of strength she was willing to give him. “That he's surrounded by people who love him. That you'll be here for him no matter what."

"I don't want to do this, Maddie," Buck whimpered, tears pouring down his face and dripping from his chin.

"I know," she sighed, stroking her thumb over his knuckles. "But you need to. Chris deserves to hear this from someone who loves him as much as Eddie did."

Squeezing his eyes shut, Buck bowed his head and took a deep breath. With one last squeeze of Maddie’s fingers, he got out of the car. As he reached the porch, he glanced back at Maddie watching him from the car, giving her a small wave goodbye. She sent him a wave back and pulled out, and Buck watched as she disappeared down the road. The longer he took to knock, the longer he could put off what was sure to be the hardest conversation he would ever have.

He had left his keys there that morning, so he tapped his knuckles on the door, hoping Isabel wasn't asleep yet. The moment he heard footsteps approaching his stomach dropped, a jolt of anxiety rushing through him. He nervously tried to wipe the tear tracks from his face before the door opened, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to erase the redness in his eyes. The porch light flicked on, banishing the shadows from around him, and the door opened to Isabel’s surprised and happy face. But the moment she saw his face, her smile slipped away.

“No,” she whispered, a hand coming up to cover her mouth.

“Abuela…” he choked, unsure of where to begin.

She shook her head, taking a step back into the foyer. “Please, no…”

A tear slipped down Buck’s cheek as he entered the house, shutting the door quietly behind him. “Where is Christopher?”

“In bed,” she whispered, eyes shimmering with unshed tears. “How?”

“He was shot,” Buck all but breathed, eyes flicking toward the hallway to make sure they were truly alone. His lip trembled as he fought back a sob. “They tried so hard to save him.”

“He wasn’t alone?”

Buck shook his head, trying to keep his mind from repeating the entire moment on loop. “We were all there with him.”

“Buck!”

The firefighter’s chest tightened at the happy voice calling him from down the hall. The familiar tap tap tap of crutches, the soft giggle that floated out to the foyer. In any other situation it would have mended his broken heart, but at the moment it felt like the already broken pieces were being crushed. He was about to destroy a little boy’s life.

As soon as Chris turned the corner and he looked up at Buck, the happy smile on the boy’s face melted away. “Buck? Why are you crying?”

Glancing toward Abuela to catch her approving nod, Buck let out a heavy sigh and crouched down to Chris’s level, looking the boy in the eye. “Chris… I need to tell you something. Can we go sit down?”

Behind his glasses, Buck could see tears welling up in the boy’s hazel eyes already. “Dad got hurt, didn't he?”

Buck sighed and stood, scooping Chris up into his arms as he moved into the living room. He sat Chris down on the couch and took the seat right beside him, one leg tucked under him so he could face the boy. With a tender touch he helped Chris take off his crutches and set them aside, then Buck took both of his little hands in his own. He could already feel his emotions building into a lump in his throat, making it damn near impossible to swallow, speak, or even breathe.

“Chris, I am… I’m so sorry,” he whispered, feeling the shards of his broken heart crumble into dust at the shattered look on Christopher’s face.

“That’s what Dad said when Mom died,” Chris said with a trembling voice.

Buck wanted to scream, to smash something to soothe his rage. Chris had experienced so much loss and heartache in his young life. It wasn’t fair. He didn’t deserve any of it. Buck swallowed down his feelings and focused, because Christopher needed him to be strong right now.

“Something happened tonight, Chris. And your dad… he did not want to leave you, okay? He _didn’t_ leave you. He was taken away.” Buck choked, fighting to hold back a sob. “Chimney and Hen, they tried… They tried so hard to save your dad, but they couldn’t. He’s gone, Chris.”

The boy just stared at him, tears spilling down his cheeks as he sniffled. He reached out across the couch to Buck who immediately pulled him close, letting him wrap his arms around his neck. Buck held Chris tight as he started to weep, one hand slowly carding through his curls.

“I’ve got you,” Buck whispered, rocking them back and forth gently. “I promise, you’ll never be alone


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey so apparently i lied when i said i'd post every other day. i'm just so in love with this fic and I'm excited to share it 🥰

When Buck first tried to open his eyes, he discovered them to be practically sealed shut. His lashes felt glued together, and the skin around his eyes felt oddly dry and tight. When he finally pried his eyes open, burning as soon as they were exposed to the air, he immediately realized he wasn’t at his apartment.

His back was aching, bent at an awkward angle and pressed into the corner of the couch. When he looked down, he found that the weight on his chest was, in fact, Christopher. The little boy’s face was pressed to Buck’s chest, with what looked to be dry tear tracks on his cheeks. His small fingers were clinging to the fabric of Buck’s shirt, as if he'd been afraid that Buck would disappear in the middle of the night. At some point the crocheted throw blanket kept on the back of the sofa had been draped over the two of them, covering Chris completely but leaving Buck’s feet sticking out where they were propped up on the coffee table.

When the reason he was in the Diaz house finally came back to him, it felt like the floor was pulled out from under him. His eyes burned as they welled up with fresh tears, and he instinctively tightened his hold on the little boy lying against his chest.

Eddie was dead.

Buck sucked in a slow breath as fresh tears slid down his face, trying not to let his chest move too much and disturb Chris. The last thing he remembered was holding Chris as they both cried, the two of them giving and receiving comfort from one another. At some point they must have cried themselves to sleep. Slowly, Buck reached up to wipe the tears and sleep from his eyes.

How was he supposed to move on from this?

Looking down at the boy asleep on his chest, the claws of grief squeezed his heart until it felt like it was going to burst. Christopher had been through so much in his short life, had suffered more loss than any child should. Buck wanted nothing more than to wave a wand and make everything right again, if only for Chris. Tightening his arms around the boy, he stroked his fingers through the tangle of sandy curls. He would trade places with Eddie in an instant if given the chance, but since he couldn’t go back in time and protect him, he would dedicate his life to caring for and protecting the person Eddie loved more than life itself.

Christopher let out a sleepy sigh, his hazel eyes fluttering open slowly. Buck forced a small smile as the boy lifted his head and squinted at him, his little brow creasing in confusion. He looked so much like Eddie in that moment that it took Buck’s breath away.

“Buck?” he asked, voice soft and raspy with sleep.

“Morning, buddy,” Buck croaked through the lump in his throat.

Chris smiled sleepily up at him for a moment, but it quickly melted away as realization flashed over his face. Tears welled up in his eyes, and Buck was sure that his heart would burst soon.

“It wasn’t a bad dream, was it?” Christopher’s voice was barely audible, but still sliced through Buck’s chest like a paper thin blade.

He shook his head, running his hand up and down Chris’ back in an attempt to soothe him before the dam broke. He could barely force the words out past the emotion gripping his throat. “No, it wasn’t.”

Chirs simply nodded, a single tear sliding down his rosy cheek. He pushed himself up off of Buck, settling beside him on the couch. Buck reached for Christopher’s glasses on the coffee table and noticed a note sitting underneath them. He handed Chris his glasses as he read the note, Isabel’s delicate cursive explaining that she'd left that morning to inform the rest of Eddie's family.

He wasn't really sure what to do next.

Christopher just sat there, silently staring off into space. After a rather long moment, Chris looked up at Buck with unshed tears shining in his eyes. "I wish Dad was here."

Buck heaved a deep sigh. "Me too."

“What’s gonna happen to me?”

The question made reality hit Buck like a bus. Eddie had never told Buck of his wishes for the care of Chris in the event of his death, but he was a responsible and practical man, so surely he had to have a will somewhere. His parents would probably be the ones who would see to it that Christopher had a permanent home, most likely taking custody of him themselves.

“I don’t know yet, but you won't be alone, okay? ”

“I don’t want to go back to Texas,” Chris whimpered, grabbing onto Buck's hand. “I wanna stay with you.”

He wondered how good the El Paso fire department was.

“I don't know what's going to happen, but I'm staying here with you for as long as your Abuela will let me." He pulled the boy into a hug, dropping a kiss to his head. "And no matter where you are, I will always be there for you, Chris. Nothing can stop me from loving you.”

"Promise?"

"I promise."

…

The scrape of a fork against ceramic was the only sound in the entire house. Buck sat at the table with an almost empty cup of coffee in front of him, watching Chris push the cut up pieces of his pancake back and forth around the plate. It was well past noon, but Buck didn’t see the harm in making Christopher his favorite breakfast as a late lunch. However, they’d been sitting there at least a half hour and he’d barely taken two bites.

“You need to eat, Chris. Even just a little bit.”

“Not hungry."

“Chris, please. Just a few bites?”

Christopher uncurled his white-knuckled grip on the fork and let it drop to his plate with a clank. “My tummy hurts. Can I go lay down?”

Buck wasn't a parent, but when it came to Christopher, knew when to stand his ground and when to give in. “Yeah. Just promise me you’ll tell me if you get hungry, okay? Doesn't matter what time.”

That earned him a silent nod as Chris got up and headed for his room. Buck stayed sitting there for a moment, staring at the pancake laying unwanted in a puddle of syrup. He couldn't blame the kid. Buck himself hadn't even tried to eat, his stomach tied up in knots and threatening to reject anything he dared to consume. He was having enough trouble keeping his coffee down.

A soft knock at the door brought him out of his thoughts and back into the real world. His entire body ached as he stood up and went to get the door, curious as to who it could be. After a quick peek through the peep hole, Buck opened the door with surprise creasing his brows. Bobby stood on the porch holding three large tupperware containers stacked on top of one another. The Captain had a smile on his face, but nothing in his eyes except pain and sympathy.

“Bobby? What are you doing here?” asked Buck, stepping aside to let the man in. “Is there any news on the shooter?”

“No, unfortunately, nothing yet. I just thought you might not feel up to cooking, so I brought you and Chris some food.”

Buck’s heart tugged. He was so grateful to have Bobby in his life. He'd known the man less than four years, but he had shown Buck more kindness, concern, and love than his own father had in 29. “Wow. Thanks, Cap. You didn’t have to do that."

“I uh… I couldn’t sleep last night, so I cooked.” Bobby smiled sheepishly as he handed over the containers. 

Buck held them up to inspect the contents through the clear sides of the containers. It all looked amazing.

“How are you holding up? How's Chris?”

Any shred of happiness Buck felt from being cared for evaporated in an instant. His shoulders slumped, grip on the containers tightening. He couldn’t bring himself to meet Bobby’s gaze as he struggled to answer. “I’m fine.” Even before the words escaped his mouth Buck knew it was utter bullshit, and that Bobby knew that too. He moved past the Captain and into the kitchen to put the food away, never looking up from the bright blue lids of the containers. “It’s Chris I’m worried about. He’s barely eaten anything, and he hasn’t really cried since last night. I’m afraid he’s bottling it up like he did with his mom and the tsunami.”

Bobby followed him into the kitchen as Buck put the containers in the fridge, then out to the dining room when Buck went to grab Christopher’s plate from the table. If Bobby wanted to talk, that was fine, but Buck needed a distraction for it. He needed something to do with his hands that would give him an excuse to avoid the pitying stare. Buck scraped the barely touched pancake into the trash and set the plate into the sink.

“You haven’t eaten either, have you?”

Buck shrugged his shoulders as he scrubbed the soapy sponge over the plate. “Not hungry.”

"Buck…"

When Bobby laid a hand on his shoulder, Buck could feel his carefully constructed walls crack. His vision blurred and he shook his head slowly, concentrating on washing the plate. His throat was tightening as a sob threatened to break free, but he swallowed it down with force.

"I'm fine. I have to be," he said, rinsing the soap from the plate, and then his hands. "I need to take care of Chris until his grandparents can take custody."

"But who's taking care of you?"

Buck looked up at that. He was so tired of crying. He shook his head, turning his back on Bobby with the excuse of grabbing a towel to dry his hands. He was going to break if he kept looking at the concern written across the older man's face.

"Buck, you can talk to me. You know I won't judge you." Bobby's voice was so soft, so kind, it made Buck's heart ache. "How are you really doing?"

"I'm fine."

"Did you forget that I was there last night? I am definitely not fine, so I find it hard to believe that you are."

Buck whirled around, fists clenched at his sides. "I watched my best friend die last night. How the fuck do you think I'm doing?"

They stared at each other in silence for just a moment before Buck looked away in shame. Bobby said nothing, patiently waiting for him to keep going.

“I loved him,” Buck whispered. Bobby didn’t look shocked or surprised at all. “But you knew that.”

“Hard not to notice, especially after last night,” Bobby replied, his voice tender and quiet, like he was afraid speaking too loudly would cause Buck to shatter again. Honestly, it probably would.

“I should have told him, but I was so afraid of ruining what we had. And now he's dead." 

The rest of Buck's walls came crashing down. The tears he'd been fighting back suddenly blurred his vision.

"I want him back."

Bobby immediately pulled him into his arms and Buck clung to him like a lifeline, pressing his face into Bobby's shoulder as he crumbled.

"I want him back, Bobby," Buck whimpered, gasping for breath between heavy sobs. "I want him back."

"I know, kid." Bobby just held onto him tighter. "I know."

…

After Bobby left, the rest of the day was spent in near silence. For the most part Christopher stayed in his room, drawing at his desk or curled up on his bed reading. Buck had tried to talk to him, to make sure Chris knew that he was there for him, but the kid just wanted to be alone. So Buck spent most of his time staring at the wall, his mind going over every second of the night before. The whole thing played on a loop in his head, from the deafening pop to the moment they wheeled Eddie's body away. Time slipped by without Buck’s knowledge as he remained in one spot, ignoring the texts and calls from his friends and Maddie. His breakdown in front of Bobby had drained him completely, he couldn't muster the energy to even pick up his phone.

It was early evening when Chris wandered out of his room and said that he was starting to feel hungry. Despite his exhaustion, Buck had leapt to his feet to go fix him a plate of Bobby’s gifted food. As it was heating up in the microwave, Bobby’s voice echoed in his mind, pleading for him to try and eat something.

He made himself a small plate too.

They sat in silence, the two of them staring at their own plates as they ate. Buck knew that it was delicious because Bobby had made it, but he could barely taste it.

“Can I go to bed?”

Buck wasn’t surprised by the question. Chris had slept fitfully the night before, no doubt uncomfortable laying on top of Buck. His eyes were red from crying and were starting to look bruised underneath. The boy looked so sad, it would break Buck’s heart if it were still whole. It didn't go unnoticed that Christopher had only eaten about half of the food on his plate, but Buck figured it was better than nothing, so he decided to let it be. “Sure, Chris. If that's what you need.”

As Chris got himself up, Buck grabbed their plates and took them to the kitchen. He heard the click of crutches behind him as he got the cling film out and started to cover the plates, but he wasn’t expecting Christopher’s arms to wrap around his waist. Buck froze for a beat, looking down at the boy.

“Thanks for taking care of me,” Chris whispered. “I love you, Buck.”

Buck’s heart felt a tiny bit healed as he stroked his fingers over Christopher’s hair. “I love you, too, buddy. There's nowhere I'd rather be than here with you.”

With an extra little squeeze, Chris let go and started for his bedroom. Buck pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes, wiping away the tears that had gathered. He took a deep breath to steady himself and went back to the task at hand, covering their plates and sticking them in the fridge for later. With another swipe of his hands over his eyes, he made his way down the hall to Christopher’s half open bedroom door. Chris was already in bed, settling down into the blankets. He probably hadn't brushed his teeth, but Buck figured Eddie wouldn't mind letting him skip one night.

Buck tapped his knuckles on the door frame as he came in, forcing a smile for Christopher’s sake. He leaned down to press a kiss to Christopher’s forehead, pulling the blanket up to his chin and tucking him in on the sides. “I’ll be out in the living room if you need me.”

"And I'll be in here if you need me," Chris assured him.

How could a kid who had been through so much pain be so kind? How did he deserve the love of this child? Buck swallowed down his emotions and slipped out of the room, wishing him goodnight. Pulling the door closed, he left it open a crack, just enough so he’d be able to hear if Chris had a nightmare. They were lucky it hadn’t happened the night before, but based on the boy’s history, Buck was expecting them to come at some point. He started down the hall, but only got so far as Eddie’s bedroom door before he stopped. Neither of them had gone in there all day.

Before he realized what he was doing, he was turning the knob. The hinges creaked as it opened and he hesitantly stepped inside, quietly shutting the door behind him. The air in the room was cold and still, somehow both stifling and too thin to properly fill his lungs. The setting sun bathed the room in soft golden light, and the essence of Eddie still lingered in the air as if he’d just left the room.

None of it was Buck’s to claim. He wasn’t entitled to a single piece of Eddie, neither physical or emotional. In a way, he felt like he wasn’t even allowed to grieve in the way that he was. Everyone had been treating him as if he were Eddie’s widower, but he’d never even told the man he loved him.

But god he wished he had.

He sat down on the edge of the bed, sinking into the mattress and wrinkling the perfectly straightened bedspread. On impulse, he grabbed one of the pillows and hugged it to his chest, pressing his face into the cool fabric. One deep breath and the tears were flowing once again. He clutched at the pillow, desperately wishing it was Eddie he was holding onto. But it held his scent, and that was all he had left. The longer he held it, the harder he cried, until his sobs turned into agonizing guttural screams that were barely muffled by the pillow. His heart had been ripped from his chest the moment Eddie took his last breath. Whether he was allowed to or not, Buck couldn’t help how he felt.

By the time he regained control of himself, his chest was aching and his throat was raw. He wanted to curl up in Eddie's sheets, but he feared his grief would be too much for him to put back in the box if he let himself wallow for too long. So he took one last deep breath, holding it for a moment to savor the comfort of Eddie’s warm scent. He wasn't surprised to find the pillowcase soaked with his tears as he carefully placed it back where it had been. When he stood, he took a moment to smooth out the bedspread, just the way Eddie had left it.

Pausing in the doorway, he looked back at the room once more and stepped out into the hall, closing the door behind him. He headed to the living room on autopilot, eyes unfocused as he lost himself in the looping memory of Eddie’s final moments once again. He had never felt so emotionally exhausted and physically spent. His entire body felt heavier than it had ever before, as if his sadness was a lead suit that he would have to wear for the rest of his life. With a heavy sigh he turned off the table lamp and laid down on the couch, throwing his arm over his eyes.

“I wish I could go back,” he whispered into the silence as his exhaustion pulled him down into the oblivion of sleep.

…

Buck groaned when his alarm started blaring somewhere near his head. Without looking he reached over to slap his phone until he managed to silence it. When he finally pried his eyes open and sat up, it took him only a second to realize where he was and why. Tears sprang to his eyes, the ache in his chest returning.

In the kitchen the automatic coffee maker switched on, sputtering and puffing as it began to brew. He didn't set it up the night before, but he figured Isabel must have done it before she'd left. The bird that had made her nest in the tree outside the window was once again greeting the sun with a cheerful song, but it only made a pit of rage open up inside Buck’s chest. The world had no right to be happy without Eddie Diaz in it.

Down the hall he heard a door creak open, and Buck wiped at his eyes to make sure Chris didn’t see his tears.

There used to be something so comforting about the atmosphere in the Diaz household, a warmth that surrounded him and filled his heart, but it was gone. Without Eddie, it didn't feel like home.

“Morning.”

Buck’s heart skipped a beat.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one more chapter after this! i'll be posting it tomorrow 😙

He couldn’t feel his face. He couldn’t breathe. He was hallucinating, that was the only logical explanation. He didn’t want to look up. What if he was just hearing things? What if his grief was making him lose his mind? If he looked up and didn’t see him standing there, Buck was sure he would break beyond repair.

“Buck? You okay?”

Preparing for disappointment, but holding fast to the hope swelling in his chest, Buck turned toward the voice.

Eddie stood in the doorway, looking like he was debating on whether or not to approach. His hair was still a mess from sleep, but he looked wide awake now, concern written all over his beautiful face.

Buck’s heart was in his throat, blocking any intelligible sound, so all that came out was a choked sob. He wouldn't know what to say even if he could speak. In a flash Buck was up and across the room. Eddie let out a small “oof” as their chests collided. Despite his confusion, Eddie didn’t hesitate wrapping his arms around Buck, rubbing his back up and down.

"Buck, why are you crying?"

"Because you’re here.”

"And that’s a surprise to you?"

Buck pressed his face into Eddie’s shoulder and took a deep, shuddering breath. “Bad dream. Really, really bad dream.”

That seemed to explain enough, because Eddie hugged him a little tighter. Enveloped by his arms, his scent, his warmth, Buck was in euphoria. He didn't understand what the hell was going on, but Eddie was reassembling his heart piece by piece with his presence alone.

As much as he wanted to stay in Eddie’s embrace for the rest of his life, Buck reluctantly pulled away just enough to look at him. He kept a tight grip on Eddie’s shirt, just to prove to himself that he was really there. Hesitantly, Buck laid his hand on Eddie’s chest, right where he had been shot. There was no bullet hole, no blood, but there was a beating heart thumping against his fingers.

“Buck?”

Buck’s eyes shot back up to Eddie’s. The memory of watching the life drain out of those same brown eyes flashed through Buck’s mind, stealing his breath away. He didn’t understand how it was possible. Maybe it was all just a dream, or maybe it was a miracle. Either way, Buck had the second chance he had been wishing for since the moment he heard the gun go off.

“Eddie,” Buck breathed. “There’s something I need to tell you.”

“Good morning!”

At the sound of Christopher’s voice Buck dropped his hands and took a step back and out of Eddie’s reach. The other man gave him a concerned look but didn’t say anything, turning a smile to his son as he threw his arms around Eddie’s waist.

“Good morning, buddy,” Eddie chuckled, ruffling the little boy's curls.

“Morning, Chris,” Buck greeted, quickly wiping the tears from his face before Chris could see them. “So, uh, I’ll go get breakfast started. Chris, eggs or pancakes?”

“Eggs please!” Chris exclaimed. “Can I have salsa on mine?”

Deja vu sent a burst of anxiety through his chest so fast he stumbled, but Buck played it off with a smile and a nod. “Yeah, of course.”

He slipped past them on his way to the kitchen, avoiding meeting Eddie’s intensely concerned stare. On autopilot, he got out the skillet and set it on the stove, remembering doing exactly that two days ago. At least, to him it was two days ago. He leaned on his hands against the counter to catch his breath and force his pulse back into a normal pace. His mind was still reeling from the emotional whiplash, and his heart wasn’t faring much better. What felt like just the night before, he had been mourning Eddie. He had seen him take his last breath, covered in his own blood and Buck’s tears. He’d cried so hard his chest hurt, but now his eyes didn’t even sting. Whether it had been real or not, it sure as hell felt real. Then to have his heart picked up, piece by jagged piece, and put back together, it was a lot to take in. He was grateful, so much so that he thought he might burst into sobs again at any moment, but it was a lot to take in.

And he’d almost told Eddie he loved him. What was he thinking? It wasn’t the time or the place for that. They had to get Chris to school, they had to get to work, they didn’t have time to really talk about it. What if it didn’t work out the way he’d wanted it to? It could hinder their performance in the field.

Strong arms slipped around his midsection, gentle hands splaying flat over his racing heart, a solid chest pressed against his back. Buck’s breath caught in his throat as Eddie rested his chin on his shoulder.

“What did you need to tell me?” Eddie asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

Enveloped in his warmth, Buck's heart was pounding rapidly against Eddie’s hands. His mind flashed back to Eddie holding him in the same exact way. It was what made Buck want to finally tell Eddie how he felt.

And then he’d been murdered.

“I love you, Eddie.”

He felt Eddie tense around him, but neither of them moved. It was an agonizingly long moment before Eddie loosened his hold, and Buck’s heart dropped. He was wrong. He’d assumed wrong. Eddie didn’t want--

With a gentle grip on his shoulder Eddie turned Buck around to face him. He was so close that Buck was trapped between the counter and Eddie’s broad chest. Buck’s mind went blank when he saw the raw emotion in Eddie’s eyes and the soft smile on his lips.

All of the anxiety that had been coiled up in the pit of Buck’s stomach exploded into butterflies when their lips met. It was slow, gentle, and the most blissful moment of Buck's entire life. Eddie's calloused hands came up to cradle Buck's jaw, and the contact made his mind flash back to the last time Eddie’s hand had been there, limp and covered in blood, as Buck begged him to come back to life. Tears spilled over and he gripped Eddie by the hips, tugging him closer as they melted into each other.

Eddie’s body against his felt real. Eddie's thumb sliding over his cheek to wipe away his tears felt real. Eddie’s soft lips felt real.

But Eddie’s warm blood, flowing between his fingers as he desperately tried to keep it in, had felt real. Bobby’s arms pulling him away from a dying Eddie had felt real. Christopher brokenly sobbing into Buck’s chest had felt real.

When they slowly pulled apart, Buck hesitated to open his eyes, too afraid he would wake from this beautiful dream to a world without Eddie Diaz in it. He couldn't bear the thought. Eddie touched their foreheads together, still holding Buck's face like something precious. His breath ghosted over Buck's lips, and he had to resist the urge to kiss Eddie again.

"I love you, too."

That had Buck's eyes flying open, tears welling up instantly. The way Eddie was looking at him lit a fire in the center of Buck's chest, spreading a glowing warmth throughout his body.

"I should go get Chris ready for school," Eddie whispered, his eyes crinkling in the corners with a smile.

"Yeah," Buck nodded, still a bit breathless. "I need to get breakfast started."

Eddie stole one last chaste kiss before letting him go, throwing him a wink over his shoulder as he left the kitchen. Buck was a bit dizzy, his lips still tingling as they curled into a grin.

…

Buck spent the rest of the morning pushing the memories of losing Eddie to the back of his mind. Instead he focused on the man himself, alive and giving Buck that smile that made him go weak in the knees every time their eyes met. He tried to ignore the deja vu that kept hitting him throughout the morning. Christopher had a routine and Eddie stuck to it no matter what, and that’s what Buck was trying to convince himself it was.

The silence that filled the truck once Chris had been dropped off was threatening to suffocate Buck. He was playing the other day in his head like a film on loop, trying to remember as many details as he could. There was no way he had gone back in time. Things like that didn’t happen in the real world. He had to have dreamt it. It was just a stupid, terrible, psychologically scarring nightmare.

Buck was so lost in thought that he nearly jumped out of his seat when a warm hand glided over his, lacing their fingers together. He looked down at their entwined hands resting on the seat between them, then up at Eddie watching the road. The simple touch of his hand made Buck feel like a middle schooler talking to their crush. It was incredible, really, how much Eddie affected him without even trying. Whatever had happened, whether it was a dream or some cosmic entity had granted his deepest desire, his gratitude was immeasurable.

“Are you okay?” Eddie glanced over at him as he brushed his thumb over Buck’s knuckles. “You’ve been pretty quiet this morning.”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Buck smiled. On a whim, he brought Eddie’s hand up to his lips and pressed a kiss to his knuckles, feeling a bit of a thrill when an adorable blush started to creep up Eddie’s neck. “Just kinda stuck on that nightmare.”

Eddie shot him a sympathetic look. “That bad, huh?”

It was the worst 24 hours of Buck’s life. Whether he’d dreamt it or not, that was how long it had seemed, and it definitely counted as a nightmare. “You have no idea.”

“Is there anything I can do?”

“Distract me. What are your plans tomorrow?”

“I’m going to Abuela’s tomorrow afternoon to do some yard work.”

The air left Buck’s lungs in a rush. “What?”

“You should come with us!” Eddie glanced at him excitedly. It would be adorable if Buck wasn’t having a mini panic attack. “Chris would love it, and Abuela is always happy to see you. Sometimes I think she loves you more than me.”

Buck forced a smile as his heart was gripped by the icy claws of fear. “I’d… I’d like that.”

“Great! We’ll go home, catch a few hours of sleep, then pick up Chris from school and head over.”

“Sounds good…” he nodded, trying to focus on the feeling of Eddie’s hand in his, desperately attempting to ground himself before he spiraled.

It was a coincidence. That’s all it was. Eddie must have mentioned mowing Abuela’s lawn at some point in the last few days, and his subconscious had worked it into his dream. The rest of the morning had seemed eerily similar because the Diaz boys had a routine. It was the only explanation that made sense. It was the only explanation that didn’t fill him with terror.

“You know, we should probably talk about… this.” Eddie squeezed his hand.

Buck shoved his worries to the back of his mind. “What was that?”

“We need to talk. You know… about us?” Eddie glanced over at him nervously. “Is it too early to put a label on it? Is that moving too fast? Are we going to wait to tell people?”

He managed to crack a smile at that, happy to have a positive distraction. “Well, seeing as we’ve already said our ‘I love you’s, no, I don’t think it’s too early to call you my boyfriend. If you’re okay with that?”

Snorting in amusement, Eddie nodded his agreement. “True. And yes, I am absolutely okay with that.”

“Do you want to tell people? Or keep it to ourselves for now?” Buck asked. He had been waiting so long to call Eddie his, he didn’t care if people knew or not. Especially after… that. He shuddered at the image of blood flashing through his mind but shook it off, hoping Eddie didn’t see. “If it were up to me, I’d paint it on the side of the ladder truck. “I love Eddie Diaz.” All caps.”

Eddie’s laugh washed away the last remaining shreds of his anxiety. Buck hadn’t even noticed they were pulling into the station until Eddie put the truck in park and shut it off. He grinned, pulling Buck’s hand up to kiss his knuckles, just as he’d done moments before.

“Then I want to tell them,” said Eddie. “I want the world to know that you’re mine, and I’m yours.”

Love surged through Buck’s veins. He tugged Eddie closer by the hand he was holding, the other going to Eddie’s jaw to guide him into a sensuous kiss. When Eddie let out a soft moan, it sent a jolt of desire through Buck’s body and he smiled against his boyfriend’s lips. When they finally parted, both were left breathless and delighted as brown met blue.

They were so much more than a fling or puppy love. Part of Buck even felt like the title of “boyfriend” wasn’t quite enough to convey how he felt about Eddie. What they had was real. A sturdy love built on the solid foundation of friendship. Eddie was it for him.

Buck stole one more quick kiss before letting him go. He missed Eddie’s presence the second he was out of the car, so Buck hurried to follow him.

They walked through the open bay doors with their bags on their shoulders, side by side like they did most mornings. The only thing different about this time was that Buck’s fingers were laced between Eddie’s.

Chim was in the back of one of the ambulances, a clipboard in hand and an intensely focused look on his face until he saw them and waved in greeting. Almost instantly his face morphed from happy and welcoming, to a wide eyed look of shock and disbelief. Buck could tell where Chimney’s eyes were locked, and he couldn’t help but puff out his chest a bit with pride.

“It finally happened,” Chim breathed. He dropped his clipboard and fumbled out of the ambulance as fast as he could, stepping right into their path. His attention flipped back and forth between each of their faces and their entwined hands, a smile splitting his face. “Hen! It finally happened!”

“What happened?” Hen straightened from where she was rolling a hose, looking confused until she noticed Buck and Eddie, her eyes zeroing in on where they were linked. “Oh my god it finally happened. It’s about damn time!”

Eddie barked out a laugh that made Buck’s heart soar. “Were we that obvious?”

“To literally everyone but each other,” Chimney groaned, rolling his eyes dramatically.

“Hurry up and change, boys! Breakfast is almost ready!” Bobby called from the loft, the sound of bacon sizzling coming from behind him.

“Buck already took care of me, Cap,” Eddie called back, shooting Buck a grin. “Thanks for teaching him how to make an omelette, by the way.”

Bobby looked amused as he leaned over the railing a bit to look at them. “You’re welcome.”

Suddenly Buck felt nauseous.

He felt like the floor had fallen out from underneath him, like he was falling straight down into his own personal hell. He knew it was too good to be true. He squeezed Eddie’s hand as he swayed, suddenly finding it very difficult to breathe.

Eddie’s voice saying his name cut through the static in his head, and that’s when Buck realized Eddie was standing right in front of him, his free hand on Buck’s shoulder and his eyes alight with concern.

“Buck? What’s wrong?”

He blinked, shook his head, tried to push his anxiety down into a box like he did when he needed to focus in the field. He pasted on the best attempt at a smile he could muster. “Nothing. I’m fine.”

“You don’t look fine,” Chim pointed out sharply, moving to stand beside Eddie to get a closer look at him. “Are you sick?”

“Yeah, you know, probably a bad egg at breakfast,” Buck shrugged. Squeezing Eddie’s hand once more before he let it go, he jerked his head toward the locker room. “Come on, we should change before we get a call.”

Chim and Hen shared a suspicious look but shrugged it off, heading back to what they had been doing before. Eddie, however, didn’t look convinced. Buck could feel Eddie’s eyes on him as he walked away, but he didn’t look back, afraid the tears he was struggling to hold back would break free.

He really had been given a second chance. He didn’t know how, or who had granted his desperate, pleading wish, but the day was repeating itself. Which meant that Eddie was going to die all over again.

Unless he could stop it.

All morning things had been repeating, and yet some things he was able to change. Maybe he could somehow change the outcome of the shooting. How, he wasn’t sure. He didn’t know who the shooter was or why they had come after Eddie specifically. There was no way of him knowing what event had set it all into motion. He could try to keep Eddie upstairs, hide him, somehow convince the others to keep the bay doors closed without sounding like he had lost his mind, but none of that was sure to stop it from happening. The shooter could just find another opportunity, and there was a chance that it could happen when Buck wasn’t there to protect Eddie.

Buck’s eyes widened with realization.

There was one sure way he could save Eddie.

When he heard the door open, he didn’t need to turn around to know it was Eddie. He kept his head down, focusing on taking his uniform out of his locker and shoving his bag inside it. But that didn’t stop Eddie from coming up beside him and laying a hand on the small of his back, sending a heatwave of comfort through his body.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” he asked gently, voice low despite the door being closed.

Buck blinked back his tears before giving him a weak smile. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not. Now tell me what’s going on.”

With a sigh, Buck let his shoulders sag under the weight of the situation. If he was wrong, Eddie would think he was insane. And if he was right, Eddie would surely try to stop Buck from going through with his plan. “Not now, okay?”

Eddie sighed in defeat, and maybe a hint of frustration. “Is it going to stop you from doing your job? Are you hurt or sick?”

“Nothing physical.”

"Alright, then I won't push. Just let me know if I can do anything, okay? I love you. I want to help."

Buck smiled genuinely at that. "I love you, too."

Eddie glanced out of the glass walls, making sure no one was around before leaning in for a quick, chaste kiss. Even the little pecks made Buck see fireworks.

"We probably shouldn't do that again," Eddie chuckled as he stepped away from Buck to go to his own locker. He was just about to pull out his uniform when he stopped and looked back at Buck, eyes narrowed suspiciously. “It’s not something that’ll get you killed, is it?”

That made Buck’s anxiety spike, but he forced it down and shook his head.

“Good,” Eddie smiled, turning his attention back to his locker.

Buck took a deep breath, letting it out slowly to calm his nerves. He hated lying to Eddie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that made up for all the blood and tears 😘
> 
> i love using y'all's hearts as a yoyo 😇


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT'S DOOOOOONE
> 
> i deeply enjoyed writing this fic, so i hope y'all enjoyed reading it 😙

As the day went on, Buck was becoming more and more anxious. The day was repeating, he was sure of it now. Every call they got was one he’d already experienced. Some things about the day were different, like the way Eddie sat just a little closer to him on the couch than he had the last time, now with his arm draped over Buck’s shoulders as they watched Chimney beating the new probie in Street Fighter. He loved that he could freely lean against Eddie, feeling his chest rise and fall with each breath, but he couldn’t shake the anxiety turning in his gut. He tried to focus on the moment at hand, savoring every minute he had left with Eddie, but it was becoming more and more difficult as the hours ticked by.

Glancing at his watch, he remembered the call they had gotten around that time. The multi-car pileup, where Eddie had lost a victim. He pressed closer to Eddie, wanting to take in as much of his warmth and comfort as possible before the bell rang. Sure enough, in less than a minute they were on their feet and heading down the stairs. Maybe Buck would be able to do something about it this time, save a life and spare Eddie the misery a loss.

When they pulled up to the scene, Buck zeroed in on the car the woman had been in. He barely listened to Bobby giving out orders, remembering what he had said the first time. His orders were to help the medics check and prioritize the victims, and Buck took off at a sprint toward the sedan on the other side of the scene. The man was just getting out of the driver’s seat, stumbling around the car to the passenger door. He was bleeding from a wound on his head, yelling desperately as he tugged on the caved in door that wouldn’t budge and looking around for help.

Relief flashed over his face as Buck reached them. “Please… You have to help my wife!”

“I will, sir. Just try to stay calm.”

Buck leaned in through the shattered window, checking the woman’s pulse. She was unconscious but alive, thankfully. There was still a chance. He lifted her shirt a bit, and sure enough an angry bruise had already spread over the right side of her stomach, a clear sign of internal bleeding.

“I’ve got internal bleeding over here at the red sedan!” he called into his radio. “I need jaws and a medic now!”

As he waited for backup, Buck pulled out his knife and severed the seatbelt, making sure she was ready to be freed as soon as it was possible. Eddie appeared at his side, the jaws in one hand and a med kit in the other. Buck took the jaws from him and stepped aside, and Eddie slid straight into medic mode.

“Ma’am? Can you hear me?” Eddie called, feeling her pulse for himself. “Buck, get the door open.”

“Please! You have to save her!” the man cried.

“We’re trying to, sir,” Eddie responded as he moved around the car to get in through the driver’s side.

Buck started up the jaws and got them in place. The crunch and screech of metal drowned out whatever the man was shouting at them. Inside the car Eddie was attaching a c-collar and starting an IV before inspecting the bruise on her abdomen. By the time the door was wrenched open, Chimney had joined them with a stretcher and a backboard, ready to jump in. Buck stood back out of the way as Eddie gave him a rundown, and the two of them carefully extracted the woman from the mangled car.

Buck’s radio crackled to life on his shoulder, Bobby’s voice coming through. “Captain 118 to Buckley.”

“Go for Buckley.”

“We need jaws over here at the blue Prius,” Bobby ordered.

Buck hesitated, watching for a moment as the two medics got the woman secured to the stretcher. There wasn’t much else he could do to give her a chance at survival, so he just had to hope he’d gotten her help in time.

“On my way, Cap,” Buck responded, grabbing the jaws and taking off in a sprint across the scene.

…

Eddie and Chimney had taken the woman to the hospital some time ago, but they hadn’t returned to the scene by the time they were finishing up. He was growing more anxious the closer it got to sunset and the longer Eddie and Chim were gone. His worry was growing by the minute, so after he finished putting the jaws away in its compartment, he went to find Bobby. The Captain was speaking with Athena by her squad car, most likely inviting her to dinner like he had the last time, when Buck approached.

“Hey, Athena,” Buck greeted with a small wave. “Cap, have you heard from Eddie or Chim? They left for the hospital a while ago.”

“Yeah, Chimney called me. He said there had been some complications and they were about to head back. We were pretty much done by then, so I told them to go ahead and meet us back at the station.”

Complications. Buck frowned at the word, his hope that the woman had survived this time decreasing exponentially.

“I heard you and Eddie finally got your act together.” Athena said, looking amused. “You boys were driving me crazy, dancing around it for so long.”

“I had to talk her out of handcuffing you together until you figured it out,” Bobby quipped.

Athena crossed her arms. “It would have worked.”

Buck smiled sadly. “Kind of wish you had. We wouldn’t have wasted so much time.”

“At least you’re together now,” Bobby said, patting Buck on the shoulder.

Buck couldn’t bear to stay on the topic of lost time any longer, so he pointed a thumb over his shoulder and started to turn away. “I should go help finish up.”

“Good idea,” Bobby nodded. “We leave in five.”

…

When they pulled into the station Buck was the first one out of the truck, shucking off his turnout gear as he scanned the area for Eddie. He saw Chimney just coming out of the locker room, shoulders slouched and frown in place. Buck didn’t even need to ask, he knew Chim well enough to know what had happened. They’d lost her.

“Chim,” Buck called.

The moment Chimney saw him, he pointed toward the loft and said “he’s up there.”

Buck nodded and started for the stairs, but Chimney calling his name made him stop and look back.

“He did everything right,” Chimney said softly, stuffing his hands into his pockets. “Don’t let him tell you otherwise.”

“What happened?”

“She lost too much blood. Her pressure dropped while we were on the way to the hospital. She crashed when we were still seven minutes out and we couldn’t get her back. He didn’t stop doing compressions until the nurses pried him off her.”

“He blames himself,” Buck sighed.

“It doesn’t help that the husband was blaming him, too,” Chimney growled protectively.

Buck looked up, eyes wide with shock. He remembered the man’s reaction when his wife died at the scene, how intense and angry it was. “What?”

“Yeah, he was cussing him out, saying it was Eddie’s fault, that he broke her ribs doing compressions and that’s what killed her. They called security on him.” Chim shook his head in disbelief. “I get that he was upset, I would be too, but Eddie did everything he could.”

“I’ll go talk to him,” Buck sighed. He’d barely reached the stairs when Chimney called out to him again.

“Hey, are you okay?” The older man studied him for a moment, crossing his arms over his chest. “You’ve seemed kind of nervous all day.”

He didn’t stop to reply, throwing his usual “I’m fine” response over his shoulder as he hurried up the steps.

He found Eddie sitting alone at one of the tall tables in the back corner of the loft, next to the pinball machine. He had his elbows on the table and his head in his hands, shielding his eyes from the harsh light. Buck approached him quietly, careful not to startle him.

“Eddie?”

The other man looked up from his hands, his heavy frown softening into a ghost of a smile. “Hey.”

Buck slid his arms around his shoulders, guiding Eddie to lay his head on Buck’s shoulder. Eddie sagged into him, letting Buck hold him up on the chair. “You did everything you could.”

Eddie said nothing, so Buck just held him. He had tried his best to help Eddie save the woman, but he supposed some things were meant to be. He just hoped that when the time came, he would be able to save Eddie.

…

He had tried everything to get Eddie to stay away from the trucks, but the man was stubborn as a mule. Just like before, the bay doors were open and awaiting the return of an ambulance. Eddie had decided to turn his brain off by washing down the ladder truck, so Buck was leaning against the corner of the truck, watching the door. Buck was a nervous wreck, heart pounding with anticipation as he stood watch. So far he had only seen a woman walking an oddly groomed poodle on the sidewalk out front, but that was it.

It was already darker outside than it had been when the shooter showed up before. Maybe he had done something to cause a butterfly effect that stopped it from happening. Maybe he could relax.

“Are you okay?”

Buck startled, tearing his watchful gaze away from the street. Eddie was polishing the chrome grille with a rag, but kept glancing over at him with a look of concern.

“What? Yeah, I’m fine,” Buck scoffed, waving him off in an attempt to seem casual. “Just hanging out with you.”

“You know you could help instead of just standing there looking pretty,” Eddie jabbed.

Buck smirked. “So you think I’m pretty?”

Eddie threw his rag at him, and Buck caught it just before it made contact with his face. “If I didn’t think you were pretty, you wouldn’t be my boyfriend.”

The word stunned Buck, sending a jolt of excitement through him that made his chest ache in the best way. He hoped that feeling never went away.

“So really,” Eddie started, crossing his arms as he studied Buck’s face critically. “What’s going on with you today? Are you ever gonna tell me?”

Buck took another look outside, relieved yet confused when he saw nothing but darkness. The sun was long gone now; the moment had passed. Perhaps he had successfully prevented it.

“Nothing,” Buck said, shaking his head with a smile. “It doesn’t matter anymore.”

He saw it in the corner of his eye first, a dark figure coming out of the shadows of the night and into the harsh fluorescents in the station. His face was partially obscured by his hood, but what Buck could see of it was familiar, even in the split second he spent taking it in. His pulse quickened until his chest ached, but it wasn’t until he saw the glint of metal that ice cold adrenaline shot through his veins. Eddie turned to follow his gaze, but Buck was focused on the man and the gun in his hand. He felt himself scream Eddie’s name, but with his blood pumping in his ears, he didn’t hear a sound. He didn’t think, he just moved.

Sound came back to him with the ear shattering pop, and with it came a searing pain exploding through his chest. The man’s eyes widened and he took off out of the bay doors, a flash of dark blue going by as Athena went after him, but all of that was lost on Buck. He couldn’t think, couldn’t speak. All he knew was pain. Before he realized what was happening, he was falling. Strong arms caught him on the way down, guiding him gently to the floor. He’d never heard his name screamed like that, with so much shock and terror and anguish. He didn’t like it. Especially since it was Eddie’s voice.

Something pressed into his chest and the pain was amplified tenfold, stealing the breath he was already struggling to take in. It took him a moment to realize he was looking up at Eddie, and another to register the other man was talking to him.

“Buck? Can you hear me? Buck, please…” Eddie begged as a tear slid down his cheek.

In the corner of his eye he vaguely noticed the presence of someone else, or perhaps two or three people. He could feel them cutting his shirt open, pricking his arm, pressing something into his chest that made the pain flare up again, but Buck just couldn’t bring himself to look away from Eddie’s tear filled eyes. His beautiful boyfriend was alive and unharmed. Christopher still had a father. Buck’s lips turned up slightly. He did it. He’d saved him.

Slowly, Buck lifted his hand, using every ounce of strength he had to raise it up to cup Eddie’s cheek. A sob broke free from Eddie’s soft lips as Buck swept his thumb across the apple of his cheek, wiping away his tears. He wanted to say so much, but the words lodged themselves in his throat and refused to come out.

The pain was the first thing that faded. He could no longer feel whatever his friends were doing in their attempt to save him. He could barely even sense that they were there. His hands were growing cold and numb, and soon he could no longer feel Eddie’s warm skin in the palm of his hand. The edges of his vision started to close in, and Eddie’s shimmering eyes were the last thing he saw before it all went dark. As he felt himself falling deeper into the cold oblivion, Eddie’s voice followed him down.

“Please don’t leave me.”

…

His eyes were burning. Whether it was from the tears or lack of sleep, he wasn’t sure. Every time Eddie tried to close them, all he saw was red. He could still feel his fingers sticking together with dried blood despite how long he had scrubbed his hands clean.

His back was aching and his legs were stiff, but he refused to move from his current position. Christopher had finally dozed off against his chest, exhausted from crying. He wasn’t about to risk waking the boy for the sake of his own comfort, so Eddie stretched his legs out slowly and stayed seated.

It had all happened so fast. One minute he was flirting with his best friend, his boyfriend, and in the next Buck was falling into his arms, blood blossoming across his chest. He closed his eyes against the tears as the moment played again in his mind. Watching the life drain from Buck’s expressive eyes would haunt his nightmares for years to come.

It was getting hard to breathe again as emotion swelled in his chest. He wanted to scream, to sob, to break down until every ounce of emotion left him and he could be comfortably numb. The only thing holding him together was the little boy asleep in his arms. Silent tears streamed down Eddie’s face, dripping from his chin into Christopher’s curls. They had wasted so much precious time, both of them too scared to take the first step. It wasn’t fair, but Eddie knew all too well how unfair life could be.

The hand underneath his twitched once, twice, then slowly curled around his. Eddie’s breath caught in his throat.

“Buck?”

Slowly, blue eyes blinked open and stared at the ceiling, confusion scrunching his brow. “Eddie…”

“I’m here, Buck,” Eddie all but sobbed, relief overshadowing every other emotion that had been swirling in his chest. He squeezed Buck’s hand, sitting up as much as he could without disturbing his son. “I’m right here with you.”

A sleepy smile spread across Buck’s pale face as his gaze met Eddie’s. “You’re okay?”

All Eddie could do was stare at him, lost for words. Buck had almost died and he was concerned about him. He let out a strange sound that was somewhere between a laugh and a sob, shaking his head in disbelief. “I’m fine. You’re the one who--” he stopped himself, glancing down to make sure Chris was still asleep. He didn’t need to know just how close they’d gotten to losing Buck. “You’re the one who almost bled to death. That bullet had my name on it, but you… you stepped in front of me. What the hell were you thinking?”

“Couldn’t lose you again,” Buck rasped, his eyes haunted by something Eddie wasn’t aware of.

“Again?”

Buck sighed and closed his eyes. “Later.”

He looked exhausted, so Eddie didn’t push. Instead, he lifted Buck’s hand and pressed his lips to his knuckles. Buck’s eyes snapped open, meeting Eddie’s gaze. “Okay,” Eddie agreed. “Thank you, by the way.”

Buck’s lip curled. “I love you.”

Eddie brushed his thumb over the knuckles he’d kissed. Fresh tears blurred his vision, but this time they were tears of relief. “I love you, too.”

…

“I couldn’t go through that again,” Buck whispered, voice weak with emotion. His tears slid down his temples and disappeared into his hair.

He was stretched out on the couch on his back, his head in his boyfriend’s lap. Eddie’s fingers continued to comb through Buck’s ungelled curls, scratching his scalp lightly to try and alleviate some of his anxiety. It had been a few days since the shooting, but it was Buck’s first day out of the hospital. They’d had a few hours before Chris would be home from school, and Buck had decided he was ready to tell Eddie everything.

Eddie had stayed quiet the entire time, letting Buck tell the story at his own pace. There were a few times when Buck had needed to pause and regain his composure. Eddie’s fingers in his hair, reminding Buck that he was real and there, was the only reason he got through it all without having a full breakdown. They had both shed more than a few tears when Buck had described the agonizing grief that he and Christopher had endured.

“If anyone else had told me the same story, I would have called them crazy,” said Eddie, shaking his head at the absurdity of it all. “But I believe you.”

Leaning over, Eddie kissed Buck softly, his gentle lips soothing the ache of residual grief in Buck’s heart. When they parted, Eddie laid his free hand over Buck’s heartbeat, careful to avoid the still healing wound.

“Two inches,” whispered Eddie, tears filling his eyes again. “Two inches higher and--”

“But it wasn’t.” Buck interrupted, covering Eddie’s hand with his own. “I’m okay, and you’re okay. That’s all that matters. I don’t understand what happened exactly, but I’m grateful nonetheless.”

“I just feel bad for that guy,” Eddie sighed.

“Eddie, he tried to kill you,” Buck pointed out dryly. “In fact, he did kill you.”

“He lost his wife, Buck. We both know what grief can do to a person. I can’t really blame him for wanting revenge.” Eddie leaned down again, pressing a kiss to Buck’s forehead. “I’m not forgiving him, I just pity him. I can feel bad for the guy while still wanting to beat his face in.”

Buck snorted softly. “I’m honestly impressed that you haven’t already.”

“Thank you, therapy.”

Buck carefully rolled onto his side, pressing his face into Eddie’s stomach. “Wake me up when Chris gets home.”

“Of course,” Eddie chuckled.

A pang of anxiety struck Buck’s chest. Every time he had fallen asleep, Buck had woken up panicking. He was terrified that the day would restart again, or that he would wake up to find that Eddie was gone, that Buck hadn’t gotten a second chance and it was all a dream. He nestled closer to Eddie with a wince of pain from his wound, but Eddie’s body heat was all he needed to soothe the ache. Sliding his arm around Eddie’s back, he used it to press himself even closer into him, hoping that clinging to him would keep Eddie there.

Eddie put his arm around Buck, holding him close as he continued to stroke his hair. “I’ll be right here when you wake up.”

Despite the fear that he knew would linger in the back of his mind for the rest of his life, Buck believed him. “You better be.”


End file.
